i aint here anymore.

2007-05-03T14:55:00.000+08:00

forget about this.

i merely thought and dreamt of you.
its already been so long. a year odd i guess.
but 4 years odd of journey. god!

i merely ask for a simple little favour.
a date, a dinner, a meal, a movie.
thats all. before everything gets locked away.

but well i doubt that would occur.
no matter how much i wish.
you're pretty much so far away.

sometimes this space is merely for me to type.
to pour the sadness out eh.
everything feels cold.

2007-04-27T21:17:00.000+08:00

some sad fact.
graduation 13june.
army listing 15june.

and where too?
commando camp at pasir ris.
wee.

2007-04-04T22:33:00.000+08:00

karma will hit me back real hard i swear.
oh god, you seem to be playing games with me.
totally. giving this, den putting the past in to stir things up.
den after that taking it away. or me rejecting it.

seriously, you think its amusing? hmm.
i am like running a rat's race. trying to cope with it.
oh hell, i am breaking apart. all this shit.
and all the people that have been affected by this.
by this game. its not even a game.
its harmful to everyone in so many ways.

just let nothing happen from here. now on.
till things are really certain, firm and sure!

many many please.

2007-03-23T23:51:00.000+08:00

you see the face, the person that seems so strong.
so alright. that every storm that comes.
he takes it. and go through the storm.
as there will be rainbow right after.

even this strong person has his soft side.
the pain that he cant take.
the uncertainty that he faces.
being clear, straight forward is the best.
never leave things hanging and uncertain.
it just kills you more and more.

if you dont have an answer. make a choice.
the most painful wound is not on the surface.
but its deep within. it affects more den any other wounds.
he is trying but he cant do it with such circumstances.
its a journey where he cant do it alone.
he needs support, assurance, acceptance.

just state it.
so there is a direction to go.

2007-03-21T23:32:00.000+08:00

been awhile since graduation. or school ends.
so busy with so many things. work here, work there.
waiting for army. at times things feel so meaningless.

at times i wonder. how nice it would be.
if there was someone beside you. to hold. to hug.
to share your thoughts and worries.
that sort of moment just makes other problems go away.
are you looking for something like that too?
well, i am. and it just a journey till i can achieve that.

have you ever wonder why all these complications?
hmm, i have. asking as in generally.
why cant life or things be straight forward and simple.
well, if life is straight forward and simple, it wont be called life?
but why has it got to be so complicated? hmm.

can someone point me in a direction?

2007-03-06T20:11:00.000+08:00

everything right now.
is simply mere confusion.
or rather lost. dunno where to go.
dunno what to do.
plainly aimless!

2007-02-26T23:46:00.000+08:00

confusion.
mere confusion.

2007-02-06T01:22:00.000+08:00

school's coming to an end. graduation is near.
army enlistment is near. and i got a freaking letter.
for commando interview. how great. sighs.
and i am missing school, classmates.
gonna miss all of them, the fun.

and on this silent, windy night.
i compose a song. so incomplete.
so broken apart.

2007-01-27T23:27:00.000+08:00

Hello, good morning, how ya do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new

So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
This is the way

That I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how ya been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never thought I could fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
That I say I love You
This is the way
That I say I'm Yours
This is the way
This is the way

if only life was like a script. so i can write how i wish for it to be.
wish for it to turn out. direct my own life.
direct the sequence of things. and which angle to be shot at.

2007-01-22T02:11:00.000+08:00

its 2.11am. a sunday/monday morning. in the wee hours.
and i am in school. balls to it. thanks to mounting assignments.
thanks to deadlines so early. and thanks to rushing of projects.

hmm. interesting incidents?
lets see.
play-ing games to chill? nah.
pull-ing pull-ups? nah.
see-ing sex change pics? nah.
pee-ing in block 56 pond? maybe.
lol. and many more which should not be disclose.

and at last! i found a good place/lobang for the longest desire of things.
but it by appointment only. hmm. hmm. probably about $200 odd?
greek word. nice ink. good reputation. arab street. tattoo. okay.
very soon. very soon. thanks for the contact and fen for providing info.

just some random entry to kill time before work begin again.
cheers to late night in school. probably not go home and attend class tomolo.
lets see. all 8 of us will have so much fun.

*winks*

2007-01-16T20:07:00.000+08:00

4 fucking assignments in 3 weeks.
endless days in school, late nights at home.
dark rings to decorate the eyes. smokes to fill the room.

every journey seems endless, the falling night with rain fills my mind.
the old thoughts of you still remain while i wish they wont.
too many things to do and nothing can be done.
trying to put you aside leads to mounting stress.

work schedule to top things off. 2 jobs. 3 times a week, meet clients in each week.
to kill myself with all these is just amazing.
each step i take just leave a shadow behind.
wanting things to haunt me simply is the key of my life.
smokes, drinks, blood shed, tattoo pieces is all the new goals. (:

cheers to the darkside of life. wee!
may the crazy thoughts in life and wonderful sin be a new journey.

for those who are wondering, wtf am i talking about.
just some shit to include that my fucking laptop die-ed on me.
during the midst of assignment. screwed! ugh!

okay, back to bitching bout life. life.

2007-01-10T23:14:00.000+08:00

its rather sad to be all busy. school. school. assignments. work.
and that just takes it all away. den comes the thought of graduation.
thats worst. 7 more weeks. den soon its good bye poly and. and.
hello army. wee. what else can i ask for.

waste a whole 2 years away when i could be in uni.
spending that time. and by the time i am out of army.
24. gosh. after uni. 28. gosh! i feel old already. but thats not the point.

being home late and all is sad enough and i dont get to spend time.
with granny and family. plus granny's getting old.
and i am getting scared. sighs. the what if. ugh!
at times i miss granny. lol. remembering the kindergarden days.
the early primary school days. fetching me back from school.
carrying my bag. buying ti gam for me. lol. old school.

everything's all so unpredictable. so. vague at times.
which is so general and unclear. -.-"
i miss granny. not that she's gone. just miss her.

2007-01-07T01:06:00.000+08:00

came across something while doing some work.
and yah. a pretty nice chorus of a song.
and means quite a long too.

i go crazy.
when i look in your eyes i still go crazy.
no, my heart just can't hide.
that old feeling inside.
way deep down inside.
oh baby,
you know when i look in your eyes.
i go crazy.

2006-12-29T12:16:00.000+08:00

ugh. totally time is what i wish i had more off. -.-"
first was teens camp (church) and 5 sweet days of my holidays was gone.
den right after was christmas caroling.
after christmas caroling was back to the daily routine of life and assignments.
why the heck do you get assignments during term break?
damn. school is really boring i say. but well.
8 more weeks and i am gone. so its the last leg as people say.

and now routine for these few days. wake up.
coffee by the comp. drink coffee, do assignment.
rest. drink coffee. do assignment. naturally some smoke breaks in between.
and the bloody weather aint helping. i so need to get out of the daze mood.
and at the same time with pouring weather came throat infection.

now, 1am in the morning. drizzling rain on the road.
in the car, music blasting. 120km/hr.
den it came, one glance. one embrace. your image appear.
den when it ends, you're just gone.

fuck up.

2006-12-11T17:21:00.000+08:00

each day is a new start. a new start where all will be gone.
i wave to the past as the past is past.
there is nothing that can be done.
i look forward to the new things coming. i look forward.
to be tired. to be stressed. to go and be how things will be.

2006-11-30T01:09:00.000+08:00

the night grew dark, the stars never came out.
the surrounding became cold and quite.
the music played and filled the room.
each word became so clear.
every thought, every look at the past so clear.
as clear as the reflection of your face in my mind.
when could i gather it all and put it behind.
when could i say its really alright and walk on with a smile.
no more down cast face. no more tears. no more pain.

i just want to break free from such pain.
such lies of being alright but at times i look through our things.
every little thing brought me back. every little thought killed me.
how i wish i could run and never head back. just go forward.
but there is this force that keeps pulling me back.
why? even that little bit of hope change so many things.
i dont know what to do. i really dont. i am leading a lie.
i am. trying to tire myself. so i can forget. can let go.
but till now, i still, i still cant. i miss your presence.
i miss hugging you. i miss holding you hand.
i miss having you near. i miss you smiling. i miss your voice.
so many things yet all is so far.

if only there could be 1 chance to change everything.
i would want to love you more. i would want to.
remove all the mistakes. and never let you down.
never drift away. and make everything possible.
everything go right. why did God do this to us.
bring us together and let us go. and so far away from eachother.
its as good as, losing half of my heart.

this song kinda made everything come out.
all the words that was placed. being so unsettled is.
never good. but well, my dear girl. if you ever pondered over this.
i want to say. i do miss you still. i do love you still. and take care.
and goodbye. i will be always there when you need me. i.
i say goodbye once again. cause i can never have you near again.
i do wish for that to happen. i do wish. take care girl.

Hands in heaven.

As I watch you move, across the moonlit room
There's so much tenderness in your loving
Tomorrow I must leave, the dawn knows no reprieve
God give me strength when I am leaving...

So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday

Tonight, I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight, you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness

As we move to embrace, tears run down your face
I whisper words of love, so softly
I can't believe this pain, it's driving me insane
Without your touch, life will be lonely

So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday

Tonight, I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight, you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness

Morning has come, another day
I must pack my bags and say goodbye...
Goodbye...

2006-11-23T11:05:00.000+08:00

each day, each night is a long and winding journey.
waking up to head to school, from school heading to work.
from work heading to home and home to the bed where it ends.

is this the life that i want to lead? is this the way things are gonna be?
its true that you aint around anymore but life goes on.
my body, my mind, everything is tired and down and done.
sometimes i ask God if he would just take me away. sigh.

why is life so tough? why is there so many things a person wish to accomplish?
a stable life? a good career? or just having fun? whats our main purpose here?
is it really God? is it really to satisfy our own desires? or just to live and die when the day comes?

2 jobs and school is good enough to kill me, to take me away from myself.
my family, frens and all that is around. why are you doing this. why.
no one knows the answer, i dont even know it myself. sighs.

i walk out the door, seeing your picture.
i walk back in and i see you all over again.
each day is just a journey for everything to be erased.
if only we could hold on to this once again.
just like how it was done before.
everything that you are, everything i am.
it has all been given to you.

2006-11-14T18:14:00.000+08:00

everyone, this is a very important message.
your dear blogger, jonathan.
have been warded to the hospital.

notices will be placed to keep you all posted.
signing off.
Lionel.

2006-11-09T13:35:00.000+08:00

it goes like this once again. another thought for another day.

no matter how far you are. no matter how you run.
i always want you close. always want you back.
i dont know how you are. i dont know what you are thinking.

the picture of us on my shelf. i never fail to look at it before i leave home.
never fail to look at it when i am back home.
could you tell me if things could be right. right once more.

i just want you back. would you come back home.
come back to this hand. this heart that is waiting.
would you? would you?

dont run anymore. dont be far anymore.
just dont.

2006-11-05T23:41:00.000+08:00

people can never let go of things.
they can move on but can never forget.
moments will past but memories will stay.

every night before i sleep. i see the writings on the way.
every day before i head out. i see our picture.
the images of the times, the moments spent.
it hurts to see how things have been even.
even things have been like this for so long.

could there even be a way to turn things around.
to start all over again. like a restart button.

just few regrets in life. at this point of time.
that i made stupid mistakes.
and i love you so much just that i wish i love you even more.
till today. i miss you so bad.
how i wish i could hug you. to have you close.

take care my little girl. my baby.
i will always love you.

2006-10-26T22:45:00.000+08:00

it has been a while i must say. everything is pretty dark.
a dark room. a dark vision. all so blur and unclear.
things are just hazy. just out of focus.

everything now is base on the word. if only. if only.
why cant matters be simplified.
2 jobs. assignments. deadlines. family. self.
things just pass by you so quickly.
no time to stop or even take a longer look.

move. move. move. thats all is happening.
if only i could lie down and dream about you.
and have you right by my side. like how.
how we use too. so often. the smell of your hair.
holding your hand. hugging you.

2006-10-18T12:32:00.000+08:00

4years. moments that went thru were always recalled.
places we went. things we did. times we spent.
right now keeping oneself busy is what is best.
not knowing how things would be but just a little at a time.

i wish i could have a holiday now. sigh. school is alright.
just holiday from all this busy things i got to do.
my body is breaking up, so breaking up.
infections here and there, bones aching and rising heat.

how i wish time could stop, let me finish all my stuff.
den let time carry on again. mayb all this could be good.
who really know. back to work again.

2006-10-13T15:15:00.000+08:00

this entry is for you. to "her".

we've been far, way too far. to say i dont think about you, miss you.
is just a lie. a compulsive liar is probably it cause i try to deny the fact.
cause it hurts though it has been real long till it seems only like.
like it was yesterday.

home isnt home, its just a hotel. i want to stay out, be out.
but at times, time stop. i look around and think. i dont feel a thing.
all i see is myself there. friends can only occupy a certain part of emptiness.
the rest is that someone to fill it up, no wonder there is always a hole.

a wall have been brought up higher now. people indulge in sin.
drinks, money, materialism, smokes, fun, the world.
i say i miss you, i say i really do. but do you believe me?
do you ever believe me?

if only all this can end when i wish for it. probably god will take my life away.
who knows. take care and yes i do miss you.
i do tink about you. is there anything else that can be done?
is there?

i will always love you.

2006-10-02T00:48:00.000+08:00

what the hell is wrong.. the weather is wrong..
i totally miss the weather in china..
like really..

i wish time could stop so i can just rest..
work.. work.. course.. course.. school.. school..
i wonder how i survive all these..
2 jobs.. 1 school..

the night is calm.. my mind dead cause i am spacing out..
and work at big O is alright.. "i deserve a pay raise.."
and i have to do a roadshow like soon for my other job..
"hello, i am jonathan, a financial advisor.." well..
that sounds pretty awesome doesnt it.. haha,.

now.. now.. what is in stored for you.. nothing much..
i wonder why life is so predictable and unpredictable..
you dont see the direction that you are heading..
all is always vague and unclear.. a moment..
things were like mega high.. next.. it drops like hell..
but dont worry.. drinks and smokes are the next best thing..
get high and wasted.. aint that great.. but i never had that chance..

nights with vrooming cars.. big exhause.. neon lights..
booming music.. quiet streets and flashy cars..
thats the night scene around me.. sure you wish to go at fast speed..
would 150km/hr be cool?. well.. how about faster?.
say.. 170km/hr.. yah.. i sure hit that for a moment..
but well.. you cant race much around here..

okay.. something is wrong with me.. hmm.. a screwed mind as always..
a person's life is always rocky.. when den could it be like still waters..
when you die of cause.. when you die..

2006-09-17T14:27:00.000+08:00

7 days away from home.. i wish it was abit longer..
apart from visiting places.. industry companies and etc..
there were shopping.. gossping.. facialing.. and time spent with frens..
and others around..

this trip settled everything.. my mind.. my heart..
and i have set my goal.. to what i want to achieve..
all those words said will remain true..
with all i can.. i will try my best..

assurance.. security once found..
with the knowledge of the situation..
still i will work towards it.. cause..
to bring you assurance.. happiness.. and all that i can provide..

2006-09-09T23:30:00.000+08:00

yesterday.. i celebrated my 21st.. people came..
frens.. schoolmates.. church.. relatives..
you see people that you know..
and there i wish to see that 1 figure.. but..
she din turn up.. well..

drinks were a yes yes and to my class..
we drank and the promises..
to the last sem which i will not screw..
cuz i screwed 2 sems already..

though SP puked.. we clean you up..
and take care of you.. no worries about that..
and dun feel sorry.. we are cool..

thank everyone for coming.. i know my speech..
was abit screwed.. i wanted to say a number of things..

1. thanks to my family for their support. though i screwed up at times.
2. thanks to my frens who are present and seeing everyone there just says it all.
i almost. almost teared but nah. try harder.
3. to her. i thank you for everything. for the journey you brought me thru.
the joy and happiness. its always kept. always.
4. to granny. i love you granny. though i am a stubborn "ah boy". i promise.
i will do ask you say when you wish me. study hard. work hard. do well in my future.
5. and sorry for all the mistakes i made in life.
6. and everyone who came. thank you all.

well.. i am going now.. leaving on a jetplane..
when will i be back.. soon.. but i hope that soon wont happen..
"be careful of what you wish for"..
well.. i just need time away from home.. to reflect and straighten things.

gone for good.. for sometime..
i am missing you..

2006-09-07T21:14:00.000+08:00

PSA (Prudential Sales Academy)..

a place where you learn stuffs about prudential..
but wait.. thats not the point why i am blogging..
well.. its mainly about this guy.. "Gary" aka G-Man..
and please note.. thats his real name..

so.. days just past by without much notice till this day..
you see Gary going around different girls.. and please note..
he aint handsome.. nor good in talking but damn..
he opens up like no bodies business to the girls..
hmm.. and within moments.. he gets their numbers..
this is shitty balls.. all the guys in class.. or rather..
guys from ELITES are shocked..

lets see.. there were once we were at NTUC and talking..
den he talks abt SKII.. like what fuck.. well. besides that..
he says.. "i am a ladies man".. well.. its was like.. -_-"..
and you are single.. *hmm*..
okay okay.. thats not the point really.. over the past say..
2 weeks.. he has gotten say.. 8 different girls numbers?.
and let see.. what is his reasons..
"oh.. to discuss about the things we learnt in class"..

and during every lunch break.. he is with a different girl..
like WHAT FUCK!! and everyone just jokes about him..
little devil horns he has.. you are wrong.. he has huge..
i repeat.. HUGE DEVIL HORNS.. and.. dont see he blur blur..
he preys on GIRLS.. like.. motherly hell.. and i bet..
he has a ulterior motive.. to.. "rub the table with 2 fingers"..

on they way home at the train station.. we were around talking..
den came up 2 girls from our class.. which we dont know at all..
and the next moment.. woot.. "G-Man" is on the move..
i repeat.. "G-Man on the move".. prey detected..
and he does it so naturally..

i remember..
one of the guys told me.. you know how he introduce himself..
like his pick up line.. he sits infront of them.. so after awhile..
he turns back.. "Hi, I'm Gary. What's yours."..
like FUCKING HELL!! i tell you.. he got the ultimate moves man..
everyone in class seems to agree.. his horns are growing bigger and bigger each day..

and he says.. "I got the touch.." damn.. picture this.. a guy in specs..
wont say nerdy.. but along the line.. blur.. and a pro at picking up girls..
wah.. amazing right.. *shakes head*

days at SPC.. Singapore Post Centre..
well.. jokes and laughs crack the day..

2006-08-21T22:10:00.000+08:00

i am trying. to kick it off. this bad habit.
but its tough. i am trying.

and with the thought of you.
i still feel. the same. worst. i guess.
i feel lost. empty. that space in me is there.
i feel it. so so bad. i keep dreaming of you.
i. i. take shots to reduce the pain.
i inhale to exhale it all out. but.
i use pain to cover pain.
i am all broken up. i miss the days.
the time when everything around stops.
just for us. that eyes. that scent of your hair.
that voice and hand that i always want to hold on too.
the shoulders that always supports your head on rides.

i guess i am just irritating you each time i try.
each call you hang up. i get hit.
you have people around you that cares and love you.
friends. family. me. but i shuld be away.
i dont want to make you sad. i want you to be happy.
that smile on your face with you always have.
the bouncy you that you always are.
i will always remember the look you have when you want to say thank you.
but with a cute expression.

its always what i want for you but not thinkin about what you really want.
i guess i have been selfish. been an idiot.
i admit i still love you. i admit i still am waiting for you.
well. i know you just want to be alone. with frens.
i. i. understand. and yah.

all i can say. is take care of yourself.
and know people cares for you. they still do and always will.

i wonder if you read this. i just hope you do.
i.

i love you baby. i always have and always will.

2006-08-20T02:15:00.000+08:00

i sat up looking at our pictures.
i look at the wall with writings.
memories of times we had.
i wonder how you been and if those days.
could be back again.
i admit i keep trying no matter how much i fall.

i wish we could be back together.
all i ask is this chance.
all is in your hands and i really wish.
really wish i can know the answer.
i pop messages to see how you have been.
and well. thats where it stops.

each day i hold on tighter.
i cant let go at all and i know i never will.
cuz its only you who could fit in my heart.
remember that you are half of me.
and you are the only one that makes me whole.
will you come back to me?
i just want things to get better and better.
as i promise you the day i said i will change.
you know that i am always here.
still waiting for you. still waiting.

2006-08-13T02:44:00.000+08:00

at times we just sit and watch time pass us by..
over time we look back and regret at certain things that we did..
and wish we could have done it otherwise..

life is pretty simple.. you make choices.. and you dont look back..
but is it that simple?. if it is.. den why do i keep looking back..
if death came and took us.. could we ask God..
will you give me a second chance.. to make things right all over..
start right from where we wanted.. or go back to the times we wish..

people make mistakes.. and everyday.. someone live to regret their choices..
so far in my life.. regrets i have.. so many that i dont know where to start..
all i know that this heart remains where it started..
when it fell for you.. and till this day.. it remains the same..

it remains the same..
baby.. i love you..

2006-08-02T13:28:00.000+08:00

strangely i tear once again.. a re-lapse has occur another time..
and each time i would look through that little box with things in it..
photos.. notes.. drawings.. your hair bands and stuffs..

if you ask me why i am like this.. i would just say i cant let go..
and i miss you.. and how i wish things could fall back nicely as it was..
well.. just hope you are well.. happy with the company you have around you..
and they light up your day..

i am just at the pits again.. slowly.. climbing up.. but occasionally..
i slip.. just like how i am drifting away once again.. drifting away from God..
drifting away from life..

2006-07-26T15:29:00.000+08:00

its your birthday today..
so here i am wishing you..

happy 17th birthday girl..

you need not thank me for everything that i have done..
i just want you to be happy..
i wanna thank you too.. for everything..
everything that you done.. time spent..
in this life time i will never forget it..

i would still say.. i love you..

take lots of care..
holding you close inside me..

2006-07-22T11:54:00.000+08:00

how would someone.. be able to let someone so important in your life go..
wouldn't it be a painful?. wouldn't it hurt things between 2 person?.
i merely want things to be well.. i want to reach out to you..
i dont want things to go bad at all..

a part of a song that says abit about things..
after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

what i say might give you stress.. or pressure..
but i never meant it that way.. i just want to express how i feel..
still holding you close to my heart.. still..
have never let you go at all.. never..

2006-07-12T01:25:00.000+08:00

i dunno why.. but tears are filling up my eyes..
its just the day when i miss you.. the days when i tink abt you..
you have always been on my mind.. thoughts of you..
i look through some pictures.. some notes..
*sighs*

i have so many thoughts.. so many questions..
i question myself.. when.. how..
would it be possible.. i.. i want you back still..
but.. i know you dont want too..
things just aint right.. baby..
i just hope you are fine.. i am worried abt you..
how have you been.. how have things been..

i miss sleeping next to you..
having you around.. sending you home on the bus..
listening to you talk.. and show the face that..
you are happy.. and throwing your temper..
i.. i..

i love you still..
i love you..

2006-07-03T22:32:00.000+08:00

seriously i wonder.. who reads this space..
but yah.. just a place for my thoughts.. so i dun really bother..
i suppose.. i suppose..

just a question.. have you ever miss someone..
till tears just rolled off your eyes?.
or that you look thru some stuffs and memories comes back..
and you just dwell in that moment..
and in all that you have.. or the strength of your heart..
you pray and wish things would go for the better?.
missing someone is unpreventable..

and what greatness.. a fever and flu came..
a high fever.. a non stop flu..
i kinda wasted lost of tissue paper..
probably a whole basket full..

i need to leave this place soon.. to get away..
but with who.. no one.. i hope with someone..
but that.. *just leave it there jon..*
panadol for the mind.. here i come..

2006-06-30T13:20:00.000+08:00

blank.. seeing nothing much.. only the view of some captivating moments in my head..
around me time just stop.. and everything doesnt seem to work out..
or rather sitting alone.. and i looked upon some pictures which remind me..
of.. of.. time or moment spent..

a tear rolled down.. in the background.. the piano rings..
every flash back becomes crystal clear..
every image so real.. the word "long" is always in my mind..
in my heart..

what you do.. you just walk that path.. that path that seems so dark..
light doesnt seem to be there.. but what we have to do..
walk that path.. and hope that at the end of the road..
what we wish and hope for is there..

"i have run the race and done my best.. for its your face that i long to see.."

2006-06-28T16:37:00.000+08:00

the muscle aches. the bone hurts.
the skin is tearing apart.
eyes cant keep closing.
dark bags are all around it.

just got to live with it.
to school. to work. to gym.
to finish my final year project.

gazing around. floating around.
the body cant work anymore.
the flesh is leaving. the soul is going.

2006-06-22T00:31:00.000+08:00

lets see what is there to say.. hmm..
i would describe that time isnt on my side..
presently busy with school.. work.. and other things..

4 july deadline for project.. after 2 weeks for documentation..
den presentation.. and after that holidays i suppose?. hmm..

and after school been heading down to work.. sighs..
lifeless.. been a chore or some kind.. school.. work.. school.. work..
its like monday and wednesday.. school.. gym..
rest of the days.. school.. work.. apparently lifeless.. lifeless..

next month got to take my finanical examination..
if you dont have a clue.. its to become a finanical advisor..
3 test.. and have to do it in 1 mth or before my bdae..
sadness.. so can be commission under the company when i am 21..

so if you guys ask me how am i or hows life.. i would tell you.. like that..
and this weekend got to go indonesia.. for mission trip..
and got to prepare things.. songs.. games for the program..
and i am as tired as i can be.. been resting around 4plus 5 daily..
waking at 10plus.. drain.. drain.. drain..

and things have been like that.. i really dont know how to say..
but i am just dreaming at times.. in my own world with my own thoughts..
and supposing things will just take its place at its own time..
no urgency for anything lately.. thats how things are..

and lastly.. hope you been resting well and coping with school..
beside you are working eh.. you got to take care and rest well..
always tired yah.. see you around i suppose..

2006-06-17T00:43:00.000+08:00

17 of every month like today.. 17/06/06..
a special day in the calendar.. or i would say..
every 17 of the month is a special day..

now am home alone.. abandon kid..
nah.. just that my whole family is at my sis's place..
den the quietness reminds me of the times when she was over..
just spending time.. lingering on those moments..
or rather wishing for such times to happen again..
it makes me smile with joy..

miss her so bad.. real real bad..
hope you are well girl.. take lots of care..

2006-06-12T20:47:00.000+08:00

i am working towards what i aim and plan too..
to make things right..
when the time is right.. all will be in place..
knowing what shuld be done and putting my actions into it..

for the purpose of provision and knowing..
hoping for the right of a good future..
all in His hands and plan..
that He guide us thru..

2006-06-06T22:39:00.000+08:00

the rain.. so nice when i pours.. its nice when you are under a shelther..
its nice when you aint wet.. soak by the rain..
today i learn how to marvel at the beauty of rain..
you ask whats so nice about it?. i would say it calms me down..

it reminded me of that someone special..
it reminded me the times we spent.. and it was God who place us together..
and i realise.. she needs time to settled down with her stuffs..
dun cope her up and just want to let her know..
we have things to settle first.. not that i dont love you..
but i want to be sure about things.. and God to give me the answer..
and i am sure you want to settle down with your own things..
how the future will be.. i leave it in God's hand..

you take good care of yourself.. just remember..
if you need someone to be there.. i will be..
that shoulder to rest on.. that body and hands to hug and hold you..
it will be.. for this is a promise that i made and will keep..
i love you girl.. i aint leaving.. i am still holding on..
i hope you still do.. i am just off to settle down..
till the day.. if the day comes.. when the day you are back..
i will be sure that i am ready.. all in God's time..

i love you lots.. i miss you so much..
i really do..

2006-06-05T15:56:00.000+08:00

no matter how things turn.. no matter what happens..
i still know that i love you and i always will..
i pray that things goes well..
it may not be now.. but in the future it will..
for.. i know.. inside my heart..
i love you always..

2006-06-02T23:37:00.000+08:00

on the way home.. on the bus.. some music was playing..
and these words appeared on the tv mobile..

why has..
why has love..
why has love got to be..

so complex..
so demanding..

and i thought.. love is pretty simple.. is just love..
but its people who make it complex.. and we..
can make it simple too.. i want it to be simple..
the way how a loves his toy.. not letting it go..
taking care of it.. cherishing it with everything he have..
love cuz its just so simple.. cuz..
i am loving you for who you are..
the way i hold your hand.. brush your hair behind your ear..
look into you eyes.. saying i love you..
the way you talk.. the smile that you always have..
the smell of your hair.. the hugs..
the way we spend time together..

the nite always calls out your name in my heart..
you are always in my mind.. i love you..
i love you crystal..

2006-06-01T15:18:00.000+08:00

doing my project in school right now.. its raining..
and i thought of you.. you probably would be busy in school..
doing your project or having your lessons..

i miss you pretty much.. or i would say i miss you a whole lot..
and i love you so much.. right now i cant do much..
you need time alone.. for school and you are busy..
my heart wun change.. cuz it only wants you..

all i can ask is for God to lead us.. and all will be well..
all will be well with you.. i love you girl..

2006-05-29T09:12:00.000+08:00

as dad sent me to school, he asked me how come din see crystal in church for so long.
i said i dont know, cuz she's working and probably tired?
but yah, everyone has been asking about her and worried.

dad also asked, still going out with her? i said i dunno dad.
i wish i still am and i hope i still will be attached with her.
but right now i cant do anything much, just let her be alone.
cuz she has assignments and common tests which are near.
and she probably is also still working, so pretty tiring for her.

dear God i ask of you to grant sufficient amount of rest to crystal.
in your merciful ways, guide her through in the areas that you want.
thank you Lord. in Jesus name, Amen.

2006-05-26T11:25:00.000+08:00

i am sorry that i aint strong enough.. tears just flow..
i keep tinking about you.. i miss you so much..
every little thing reminds me of you..
the days we spend.. the days when i listen to you..
share your problems.. i.. i..

i just need you so.. wasted.. totally wasted i am..
emotions get me.. they just do.. i cant go on..
i cant imagine a life without you..
everything that we have done.. the joys..
the tears.. i want to be there for you..
i really really do..

i will always love you girl..
i love you and you only..
my baby girl..
my crystal..

2006-05-26T01:27:00.000+08:00

daze.. the sky looks darker den usual.. everything around so slow..
so quiet.. my head filled up with the beat of my heart..
the days i spent you are always in my head..
i just feel pain each time.. cuz i fear.. i worry..
after what has happened.. very thing is uncertain..
you too am unsure of things.. i just wish..
i could have you around again.. i want to be there for you..
to share the burden of your problems.. to listen to you..
but right now.. i cant do any of that.. you are angry with me..
and probably wun even want to see me or hear from me..
you take care my love.. you are always my love..

dear god.. you watch over crystal as she spend her days..
either in school.. work or even when she is out..
cover her with your protection and lord.. you..
let her know.. people are always there for me..
i am always there for her.. let her rest well..
and give her strength to spend her days ahead of her..

take care girl.. my baby girl..

2006-05-24T09:29:00.000+08:00

it totally have started.. the phrase is "cold war"..
even my dad talked to me this morning..
he said.. why.. cold war with your mum arh..
and i jus nodded away..

aint me alone.. she got to know herself..
she keep doing such stuff and i just cant stand it..
but yah.. just gonna let it be..

just needing you here but you want to be alone..
all i ask is you take care of yourself..
will be here for you..

2006-05-22T00:09:00.000+08:00

it has started all over again.. war.. cold war..
silence in the house.. thats what will be happening..

1. you dont need to be unreasonable..
2. you shuld give me the respect of my life..
3. dont intrude into my life and comment abt it..
4. you care the wrong way and it makes me pissed..
5. i practically dislike your actions..

remember.. you always say the wrong things..
comment without tinking and you..
just offend people.. your kids..

cant wait for the chance to leave..
to be alone.. away..

2006-05-19T02:42:00.000+08:00

i just watch a movie called city of angels.. a old film..
but it made me cry.. why?. cuz.. it takes abt..
a fallen angel.. an angel who fell in love..

he gave up eternity.. for love.. for a girl..
like in the first verse..

i would give up forever to touch you..
you are the closest to heaven that i'll ever be..
in the film.. nicholas cage.. was the angel..
he said 1 thing..
1 touch of her hand..
1 touch of her face..
1 breathe of the smell of her hair..
1 moment of being with her..
1 look into her eyes..
1 phrase.. just saying i love you..
i would rather have all these..
then eternity..

okay.. i did add some in.. but it meant alot to me..
i know i am foolish to give up eternity..
but right now.. i rather have those 1 moments..
those 1 things.. cause thats how important she is to me..
she knows who she is.. she knows..

i tink back abt the moments we spend..
the places we went.. the things we do..
moments even though nothing was done..
times when we cried and hugged..
moments when we quarrelled..
when we laughed.. we joke.. we hugged..
we kissed.. moments when i just hold you..
i just want all those back..

God i ask and pray.. that you watch over her..
and take care of her and she do take care of herself..
i love her lot.. you know how much i want this..
you know..

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls..

Verse 1

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
Verse 2

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
Chorus

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Verse 3

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

Chorus

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Chorus

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

2006-05-19T00:07:00.000+08:00

i question you God.. i ask you questions..
but you do not answer me.. i.. i..
cant find or get my answers anywhere..
you test my faith.. and trust.. my hope..
you test them like how you test Job..

you give and take away..
you have taken all that i need..
all that i am.. taking away..
something so important to me.. you know..
that you will make me suffer.. and you..
let it happen.. you let me go thru..
all this pain.. all this pain..

you give and take away..
what do i say to you Lord..
i dont know.. i feel far from you..
have you left me..
why do you take it away from me Lord..
WHY!! why..

sighs..

2006-05-17T11:08:00.000+08:00

today is a special day.. a day that i would always remember..
the 17th of every mth.. it has a special meaning..

hope you have a great day today girl..
though i want to spend some time with you..
but i know.. you dont want too.. take care of yourself..

2006-05-16T15:20:00.000+08:00

these few days.. been kinda weird.. feeling weird..
at the point of time when you dont really know what to do..
stuck at the moment of time but.. all i know that is possible..

simply holding on.. faith.. trust.. hope..
wishing all turn out well.. the heart is feeling unsettled..
but for things to work out.. all is worth eh..

just missing you badly girl.. just want to spend some time with you..
and you probably want to be alone.. away from me..
hope that you take care of yourself..
remember that i am always there.. when you need me..
hugs.. missing you real bad girl.. my dear girl..

2006-05-13T00:03:00.000+08:00

home alone.. that pretty much says it all.. yes yes..
i am home alone.. my family is away in hong kong..
while i am in singapore.. and that aint just the thing..
sick again.. yes.. AGAIN!!

down with flu.. bad throat.. and its all getting to me..
now i realise that having my granny around is great..
she cooks porridge for me.. ask me i want to eat or not..
now.. i need to settle my whole meals which i dont..
just see whats home den eat.. aint a cooking person..

this is the first time that my whole family is away..
and here i am alone.. it just feels very weird..
always this thought on my mind.. wishing..
that she would be here.. but she's busy..
and she needs her rest.. and yah.. thats how things are..
just hope she rest well and dont fall ill..

alrite den.. pretty much that..
an unwell me..

2006-05-12T00:34:00.000+08:00

now.. i sure remember the feeling of how it feels like puking..
on a normal day after work and on the bus home..
suddenly your mouth feels sourish and your stomach feels weird..
breathing gets heavy and i know something was abt to happen..
got off the bus and there you go..

pukes.. damn.. and it happened twice.. hmm..
wonder wads the cause of it.. 3 mths due?. hmm..
but yah.. now something feels like its in my throat..
and my stomach feels weird.. damn..

2006-05-08T18:38:00.000+08:00

the door opened, i stepped into the same place everyday.
i see the living room, up ahead is my room.
ignoring my surrounding, into the room i went and the door closed behind me.
the view of my window look out to the light blue sky and open sea.

home doesnt feel like home. it has become a place for food and lodging.
everything aint what it use to be. everything closes in on you.
voices throws over the rooms, loud voices, cries of my nephews.
wun those just go away. i cant wait for them to go away.
away for their holiday so i will be alone at home.
12/05 - 15/05, looking forward to those days.

problems always seem to occur. i cant run away from them.
and i dont want to face them. stuck at the cross roads in life.
i just need her with me right now. so so bad.
my body aches with pain, my heart beat could be felt in my head.
at any moment i probably would just collapse.
the fever is always on and off, no doctor please.

9 more weeks to go till due date of my project.
stress and i have other work to deal with.
am i leading a life that i really want. what do i want.
i just want things to be normal like how it was.
dont stress me anymore! i try to excel with school to show you.
to show you i am trying my best. yet you always say i aint doin enough.

why do you have to close up my freedom.
why do you have to threaten me with things.
stop paying stuffs for me and all. fine den. dont pay.
just leave it. i try to talk to you nicely abt matters yet.
you raise your voice at me. is this called nicely? calmly?
dont pressure me no more! i cant fucking take it!
i have enough! dont make me really leave this place.

i seriously will. i seriously will.
i just need her here, her shoulder so i can cry without being.
without being afraid. i fear of losing. losing. losing things i have.
confide in who, no one to confide in at all.
no one bothers. no one cares.

a messed up home, a messed up me.

2006-05-08T10:29:00.000+08:00

on the streets at time.. i see couples walking on the streets..
i find it comforting when couples walk have each other..
able to have that someone always there..
that shoulder for her to lie on.. that hand for her to hold..
letting her know that she will feel secure..
as he is always around for her..

den i tink back abt the times we spent.. and..
wanting those times to come back again..
just that right now.. i have to wait.. wait for time..
waiting for the right time to come by..

those bus trips that we had.. those moments..
when we simply did nothing.. it was nice too..
times when we went shopping and you always scolded me..
saying you dont like to go shopping with me..
and that i always complain abt the things you buy..

waiting for those times to come back again.
those time will only happen with you around..
only with you..

2006-05-07T01:04:00.000+08:00

memories will never be memories..
cause those moments spent with you..
will just keep coming back..
we will spend such moments over and over..
cuz that would only happen with you around..

its all about you you you.. oops.. a lil crazy right now..
but yah.. glad that things are pretty well..
it feels well and hope it gets way better..

2006-05-04T09:10:00.000+08:00

am very very sick now.. a bad throat.. a dripping nose..
fever.. and an aching body.. totally aint great to be sick..
rest is totally what i need.. 12 hours of sleep..
and naps in the day.. totally great..

i thank God for things that he have shown me..
and i pray that things go smoothly and well..
till the day that we are back together..
till that day..

missing you a whole lot girl.. missing you..

2006-04-30T21:42:00.000+08:00

amazing my dad's pretty nice today.. he brought a levis jeans for me..
profit/benefit.. wadeva you call it.. probably because of the progress package..

but anyway hurt my back.. fell on the basketball court..
my back is aching like hell now.. what greatness to it..
cant eat well.. restricted to soft food.. and now.. a hurting back..
what more can a guy ask.. people around have been saying..
you lost weight.. great.. real great.. how much more am i goin to lose..
probably another few more kgs during the next month..

wednesday is the first appointment to wear my braces..
and yes.. i have my first job.. okay.. not really first job..
but a long term full time job.. if you all get it.. so yah..
see how well things goes eh.. halfway there..

dreamt of you for the past few days.. mayb cuz..
been missing you and haven seen you around..
just waiting for things to go well and let God guide..

2006-04-26T20:18:00.000+08:00

i slept and woke up with the same dream.. or same scene..
hmm.. picture this alrite.. probably 5plus - 6plus..
at the beach.. sitting down.. with a milkshake or ben and jerry's ice cream..
looking at the horizon of the sea.. the sun setting..

there we were seated.. you lying on my shoulder..
both of us enjoying the treats that we have..
salt and vinegar.. ice cream.. soft drinks/drinks..
mayb even chilled beer would be nice..

sitting on the picnic map.. the breeze blowing against us..
just calm and peace.. and enjoying the surrounding..
only would do such things with you girl..
yah.. i slept and woke up with this dream..
a sweet dream.. the smile thats on your face..

2006-04-24T10:19:00.000+08:00

my gum is swollen once again.. but yah.. cant depend on the painkillers..
so stopped eating them.. and pray that i recover soon..
cant stand my diet.. limit food that i can really eat.. damns..

been sitting down at home.. staring in space and tinking..
realise somethings will really never change.. and they will never..
missing her badly.. wonder how is she.. wonder if she is well..
worried as she is starting school and that i just want to spend time with her..
and dont want to make her angry in anyway..

yah.. waiting and learning how to chill is what i got to do and am doing..
my pronunciation aint that good right now.. due to the holes in the mouth..
cant move my mouth to fast otherwise the wound will hurt..
and yah.. pretty much just missing her..

never stop loving her.. and i will always love her..
faith.. trust.. hope.. love.. all in God's name..

2006-04-21T21:44:00.000+08:00

its killing me.. my diet changed to only yogurt, porridge, ice cream.. soft liquid food..
sighs.. and i cant open my mouth so much.. it hurts..
the pain killers are helping me get rid of the swelling pain around my gum..
and staying home aint helping me recover.. sighs..

everyone else is eating normal food while i have special diet..
how sad is that lor.. sighs.. feel so sad.. suffering arh!! suffering..
when will i recover.. sighs.. cant even talk properly..
so uncomfortable.. argh!! cant stand it.. sighs..

2006-04-19T20:52:00.000+08:00

i did not do anything today.. din went out.. just stayed home..
and it rain.. got woken up by mum's radio..
it played.. How Great Is Our God - Chris Tomlin..

so yah.. latest news.. my operation got brought forward..
7.30am.. thats so early.. compared to 9am..
and yah.. feeling nervous and worried..
home bounded for awhile.. 2 weeks.. how cool is that..

alrite.. nothing much den.. covered with fear..
covered with fear.. a fearful operation..

2006-04-18T23:41:00.000+08:00

20 apr.. operation..
19 apr.. fast from 11pm onwards..

2 weeks down from 20 apr.. have to stay home..
cant talk, advised by doctor..
life sure gonna suck after my operation..
guess tomolo is the last day i can enjoy..

list of things to do:
1. eat tim sum, soya bean curd, frog porridge from geylang.
2. eat steak.
3. eat some great burger.

but yah.. cant do it all in a day.. mayb i will.. tomolo it shall be..

2006-04-17T22:51:00.000+08:00

today marked the 17th mth..
happy 17th mth girl.. though its abit weird..
cuz we are on a time off.. hmm..
and i look back on the times we spend so far..
all the sweet moments.. =]

i got 2 more days left..
till i go for my operation.. it feels like..
i dont have much time already..
after 2 days.. everything would be restricted..
home bounded.. sighs..

my heart is missing something.. missing someone..
why do time spend with you always end so fast..
at times wish it could just stop.. just stop..
guess right now i am feeling abit emo..

just want to spend more time with you..
just spend more time..

2006-04-15T23:41:00.000+08:00

i just woke up from my daze.. the play that my church had woke me up..
4 times.. God word has spoke to me.. he told me his plans of things..

1. Right Thing, Wrong Time.
2. Peace In The Storm.
3. God Has A Plan.
4. Full Surrender.

and today that God is there and will be there.. i pray that you find him..
in your time, building the relationship that you always wanted..
he let me know that i will be waiting for you.. that i wun be letting go..
and that i will learn to seek strength, hope, trust and faith in him..
and also in you..

for God is good, his love is never failing and he will guide us..
for you are the one that i need.. till the time is right..

2006-04-11T16:08:00.000+08:00

there are somethings on my mind..

missing her.. tinking abt her smile.. that brightens up everything..
her small but warm hands that i always want to hold..
the hugs that i am able to give her.. the time we went out..
laughed.. talked abt crap.. her resting on my shoulder on bus rides..

she lying down on my bed and just look at her face..
eye to eye.. and saying i love her.. from the bottom of my heart..
i feel her in my heart..

praying that things are well.. learning to relax..
not to cope her up.. and taking things all easy and slow..
memories that will always happen.. always will..

off to work now.. take care during work girl..
see you soon.. and our date for the musical..
=]

2006-04-10T10:10:00.000+08:00

when you miss someone.. you would want to contact that person..
go out with that person and simply spend time..
if the person is busy.. you try to be understanding..
try to be sensitive towards the other party..
but all you ask is to talk.. go out..

you dont want to add any pressure or stress..
you try to guess whats on the person's mind..
but its abit hard and tough to figure out..
trying to contact the person but the person dont get back..
mayb the person is just tired and want to rest..
but all you ask if for the person to get back to you..

i just miss her so much.. i try to control myself..
trying not to contact her so often and all..
but mayb what i am doing now is just wrong?.
how i wish things are much better..
or mayb i am just tinking way too much?.
waiting is i what i have been doing..

girl.. i seriously miss you..
so so so bad..

2006-04-05T18:30:00.000+08:00

am at this point where thoughts and reflecting comes into my mind..
you realise the wrong and mistakes that you have done..
you wonder if its too late if you try to make things right..
but yah.. what i will do is make things right cuz nothing is ever too late..

girl.. sorry for the mistakes that i have done and somehow i see the light..
yah.. am learning how to relax and give you space.. know haven been good at that..
but yes am doing what i can.. haha,. for a great future..

God will be our guide.. and lets walk towards him..
we shall face this problems together.. all of it..
=]

2006-04-01T11:19:00.000+08:00

this song kinda say part of how i feel.. and the song title kinda says it all..
its by teddy geiger.. for you i will (confidence)..

Wondering the streets, in a world underneath it all
Nothing seems to be, nothing tastes as sweet
As what I can't have
Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair
round your finger
Tonight I'm not afraid to tell you
What I feel about you.

Oh, I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
and cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will

Forgive me if I st-stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
Cuz I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a water bed
Do I seem familiar, I've crossed you in hallways
a thousand times, no more camouflage
I want to be exposed, and not be afraid to fall.

Oh, I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you

If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a mood I would
Shout out your name so it echos in every room
I would

That's what I'd do, That's what I'd do to get through to you, yeah

Oh, I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will

the sound kinda says that whatever confidence that i can gather..
doing it all for you.. cuz for you i will.. and girl..
for you i will do everything that i can.. with the confidence i have..
alrite.. goin to work soon.. missing you pretty much..
but you do take care of yourself yah.. hope to see you around..
hugs..

2006-03-29T08:51:00.000+08:00

was doin my daily devotion when these few phrases/paragraph kinda spoke to me..
and i thought that it would be great that i could share..
and you wun know that who reads it would be at peace and push on..

these are some of the phrases which i highlighted..

It can seem heartless for God to take away some of the thing we
so highly value in life. Relationships, health, employment and other
treasured things can be swept away by the Father's loving hand.
But when our hearts are broken, we can grow closer in intimacy
with our Shepherd as he develops our character. That's a lesson
that must be learned.

We have to be sober-minded; be watchful.

Brokeness brings us backto where we belong - close to God's heart.

so yah these are some phrases/paragraph that i thought was great..
and it ringed to me that no matter what things you go thru..
it leads us closer to God and things will be well..
this is lke the second time God's word spoke to me.. so yah..

another weird thing was when i woke up this morning..
my mum usually would listen to this christian radio channel..
and it talked abt 1 Corinthians 13..
about love and the most important part is this..

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

the greatest is love.. doing things about love..
so yup..

2006-03-26T18:15:00.000+08:00

past few days been pretty okay.. finally got a job..
part-time waiter/service crew at Big O..
wheelock place.. and i am starting work this friday..
cant wait actually.. finally got income to save..
more money in a way.. but yah..
also sure will spend time with you.. dun worry..
will manage the time.. remember..
snow city and west coast park yah..

days just pass by pretty slowly.. cuz most of the time..
am just rotting at home.. if i am in school..
aint much to do..

had the play's rehearsal.. and just chilling around..
many things that i wish to tell you.. over the phone..
but yah.. no rush.. just take care and rest well..
you been working and need to catch up with your rest yah..
shall see you soon.. along this week den..
missing you..

2006-03-23T21:59:00.000+08:00

hmm.. a fruitful day in a way.. went to find work..
with a classmate.. deng hui.. den we had guys talk..
haha,. like relationship and found out some interesting things..
like if there are things you want to do for the girl..
just do it.. dun consider if she angry or not?.
or how the outcome would be?. do it from the heart..
but dun do dumb things that is.. like when she angry..
den go piss her more.. wrong wrong..

both of us most prob will get our jobs.. haha,.
hmm.. had a nice offer.. 1 for 1 trip to snow city..
and girl always wanted to go.. so its like..
great offer!! den also can bring her to west coast..
she always wanted to go there.. but have to do it..
before my op..

things are really well.. feel very good..
in love.. very much in love.. and yet..
relax.. no stress.. good sign.. haha,.
loving you..

2006-03-22T23:00:00.000+08:00

time spent with that special person.. was great.. wrong..
not just great but simply beautiful.. the presence..
of her.. having her around.. thats all what it needs..
it does not matter where you go.. what you do..
but who is with you.. and only one person can do that..
its you girl.. you..

you dont care about the surrounding.. you just look at the girl..
you enjoy her company.. and i will just look at her face..
and smile.. cuz moments like this are just very very sweet..
that how things will be.. and it all will be fine..
worries.. problems.. you put it behind.. and whenever you feel down..
tink abt the nice times.. the funny moments.. the joyful occasions..
that we spend.. and hope that it brightens up your day..
and let you feel relax..

feel stress?. tink abt the promise i made..
and knowing i will keep it.. all cuz of having a wonderful future..
that have been promised.. hugs..

2006-03-20T10:35:00.000+08:00

a mishap just occur.. i sprained my right leg.. sighs..
i would say not a sprained but hurt it..
the right side of my right feet.. haha,.
so right now i am limping away..

a week without my parents.. hmm..
wish that could spend time with her..
but yah.. take things easy and chill..
back to doing nothing in sch..

2006-03-19T00:15:00.000+08:00

it might sound weird but i feel proud of what i am goin to post..
alrite.. for those who do not know what is quiet time..
erm.. how to put it.. its time spend reading God's word..
and praying and all..

i was doin my QT (quiet time) and i read this verse/passage..
the heading states.. "right thing, wrong time.."
and it just came to me.. like what i am going thru now?.
or trying to state something that previously happened in a way..

so some of the things that the writer said was like..
"delays shouldnt be viewed as disappointments but as preparation times.
just because we cant do something when we want to do it doesnt
necessarily mean God doesnt ultimately want us to do it. sometimes
a vision is bigger that the opportunity. sometimes other things need
to happen before the vision can be realized. sometimes we have to
sit back and wait patiently - trusting God to line things up."

"perhaps the desires you have right now are from God, but the
cirumstances arent right. dont try to make God's will happen.
wait for his timing. allow him to set everything up just for the right,
God-ordained moment."

there are 2 paragraphs which i took down and i tink i means a whole
lot to me right now?. its like God is telling me.. to wait..
learn to be patient and let him sort things out.. and when the time
comes.. all will be good..

personal interpretation.. though i want to be with crystal badly..
though there is this break.. these are like the cirumstances that
have to happen before something great.. learn to wait..
and let God take control and line things up for us.. and once..
all is done.. when the moment is right.. all will fall into place..
accordingly into God's plan..

so i hope you read this girl.. i very much want to share this with you..
and i hope you are able to understand it too..
and for all who find that the entry touch you.. i am glad..

2006-03-17T23:04:00.000+08:00

today.. i made a decision.. or thoughts came thru..
you want wads best for her.. you got to do it..
not try.. and.. the things that she told you..
take it seriously and i will..

the break has started.. how long.. i dont know..
what will the outcome be.. i dont.. i leave it all in God's hands..
when he thinks its right.. both are ready..
or what he sees best.. he decides..

i got to step out of the court right now.. and take a sit..
i would be yours.. talk to you when you want..
and not push you in any ways at all..
i said too much to you.. to much words..
and actions will come in now..

you know i will be there.. you know i will wait..
you know i love you and will not leave..
and its time i give you the space and time..
love is patient.. not selfish.. and its understanding..
so here i wish that you do take care of yourself..
and dun feel so pressured and stress as things..
is set and will be fine.. so relax alrite?.

i aint saying goodbye.. but i will see you soon..
US will be soon if God permits..

take care dear.. this is the last time i would call you dear..
here i give you my warmest hug i could ever give..
hope you feel it..

you are always in my heart..
HUGS..

2006-03-16T21:59:00.000+08:00

hope that you see this dear..

do remember to do your quiet time..
pray to God and submit all your troubles to him..
for i have done that.. and wish you have too..

read his word and understand what he wants to tell you..
and in him.. things work out well..
for he knows best.. and let his will be done in US..

so do take care of yourself.. and the stormy clouds..
will go away soon enough.. right after the storm..
and you will not brave the storm alone..
for you have me and God.. and the people around you..

will be praying for you..
=]

with lots of love..
your darling..

2006-03-14T15:33:00.000+08:00

a bf.. would always be there for his gf..
tryin his best to understand her..
doing his best to give the best to her..
no matter how tough things gets..
he will be there for her..

will always be there to support her..
share her burden and problems..
and will always try to make things work out..
cuz it isnt abt him alone..
its about us.. him and her..

so dear.. no matter how things turn out..
it will turn out well.. with God..
and i will be there to support you..
be there for you..
and make you feel unpressured and relax yah dear..
a boyfriend is also your best friend..
so yah.. do take care dear..
love you lots..

missing you badly..
your always..

2006-03-12T20:57:00.000+08:00

scolding was wad i got.. frm my gf.. haha,.
nah.. just some funny talks that we always have..
yup.. all is well.. was just a dumb fool..
to make her angry for no reason..

and yah.. blame it on my dumb foul mood on that day..
din eat for whole day.. reach home.. no one home..
no dinner and all.. so yah.. stupid day..
at least its all over.. and i cant wait for friday to come..
why?. some special reasons..

and also cuz my parents will be away.. and yah..
spend with time with her.. and she know why special reasons..
the day my parents leave.. is the day that we have been.. .. ..
some suspense?. nah.. just for me and her to know..
=X

alrite alrite.. schools tomolo..
dreads..

goodbye weekend..
hello weekday..
just looking forward..
LOVE YOU DEAR!!

2006-03-11T23:15:00.000+08:00

the feeling is as such when you miss someone..
you want to see the person so bad..
or hear/talk to the person.. and that feeling..
is just un-explainable?. if there is such a word..
and when the person calls.. you simply..
feel great?. seriously.. no words is able to describe such a feeling..

and thats how i feel.. whenever she calls..
it just brightens up everything.. and yah..
i always longed for her call or even a sms..
thats how bad i miss her.. haha,.
sound like some crazy guy.. but yah..
just miss her so much..

2006-03-08T18:57:00.000+08:00

things have been well.. other den havin cold war with my mum..
some decisions or things said was at impulse..
meaning those 2 other entries in my blog.. yah..
just the time of life when parents.. just go over-board..
and the child reacts back..

school's gonna be quite busy.. have to go back to sch for my final year..
but yah.. still have time for my dear.. spend time with her..
haha,. as my frens say.. full time bf.. part time student.. hmm..
wonder how true is that.. anyway..
just that when someone is important.. naturally you will go all out..

all is well.. being there for you in the times when you need..
take care baby.. =]
hugs..

2006-03-06T13:08:00.000+08:00

being in school and practically doing nothing at all..
and this feeling just came.. hmm..
the feeling of missing someone.. yup..
though i went out her yesterday.. its just unavoidable?.
let see.. how do you not miss someone?.
cant happen at all?.

and yah.. it wun happen to me.. cuz..
i have always thought abt her..
miss her.. and just want to be around her..
hmm..

right now.. i want to go HOME!!
doin in-house project in school is boring..
and you have 8 hours to spend in school..
but.. there is nothing to do..
i rather spend it with my gf..

miss you baby.. so much..
hugs..

2006-03-02T03:14:00.000+08:00

every moment spend.. every date we went.. time pass by so easily..
at times i do wish time could just stop..
the days that i spend with you.. are just breath-taking..
every worries or thoughts that i have.. will just go away..
your presence overcome all of that.. and it makes me..
just wanna spend all the time i have with you..

mayb its cuz i am so in love with you dear..
so in love.. you give me the confidence that i have..
with you.. the surrounding doesnt matter..
cuz everything is all abt you.. abt you..

my heart.. melts all the way with you around baby..
goin nuts with you.. haha,. =]
crystal soh.. i love you lots..
HUGS!!

2006-02-15T14:49:00.000+08:00

to my lovely Crystal(her)..

my whole life revolves around you.. that explains the title of the blog..
sorry for the pressure that i gave you.. sorry for not giving you the space that you need..
i realise my wrong and i will always be there for you.. trying to be understanding..

dont worry abt me.. even though i am all so emotional.. i will be there for you..
thats a fact.. no matter how tough things get.. i wun give you.. cuz..
you are that important person in my life.. and yah..
for the coming 9mths.. we will be close/best friends in a way..
and i will alway be waiting.. be there if you need someone to talk too..
complain abt things and all..

remember wad i said dear..
for me to understand you better and for this to work out too..
we need to communicate and talk things out.. no matter how tough it is..
i will be praying abt you and for you.. you will be having your mission trip next week..
and i am gonna miss you and i am also very happy for you..
that you may see the love of God and experience him..
whenever you face anxiety.. stress.. pressure or just being tired..
pray to him.. cuz he listens to you.. tell him abt the details.. cuz he wants to know..

know we cant really go out so often.. but yah.. whenever you are free..
will go out with you.. most prob.. every sunday yah..

baby.. i love you so much.. miss you so much.. aint letting go of you..
you are my sweet valentine.. we will work out this problem out together..
till 17/11 arrives.. and i will never find someone better..
cuz you are the best person for me.. no one will ever replace your place..
waiting for you.. HUGS!! BABY I LOVE YOU!!

yours always, Jonathan(him,your skinny bee hoon).. =]

2006-02-14T09:59:00.000+08:00

the valentines day that was spent.. will never be forgotten..
the things said.. never forgotten.. the moment that i was beside you..
never forgotten.. you simply am the one.. for me..

with the love from above and blessings given.. will be there..
through tough and good times.. waiting for your return..
you have taken up half of me.. you made me who i am..
all have been said in the letter..

you know what i mean by the actions i have done..
empty promises will never happen.. =]
loving you my lil star..
only you make me whole..

2006-02-09T10:00:00.000+08:00

HER..

grabbing and treasuring that chance..

people make stupid and foolish decision over time..
and i have made stupid and foolish decisions/mistakes..
right now.. i am all focus and sure of where the path i have taken is leading me..

taking that chance that you have given me..
to you i am devoted too.. to you i will only be with..
to you i will only love and to you.. i will never leave..
no matter how things turn out.. no matter how tough things be..
i will never take a step back cuz i will take the steps forward..
to walk thru this period with you dear..

everyday and night.. i will be praying.. i will be reading his word..
and it will make our relationship stronger..
and from the time i realise my mistakes..
i have already started to treasure and cherish you..

will be waiting for the time to come..
dear.. jia you yah.. will be praying for you..
tomolo will be a great day.. no matter the outcome..
will be there.. ALWAYS!!

love..
yours only..

HIM..

2006-02-06T14:48:00.000+08:00

dear.. yesterday we finally talk things out and i am glad that we have an outcome..
and yes.. i will be waiting for you.. till that day i will always be by our side..
i am goin to miss you so much.. so badly.. right now.. i am already missing you..

the things that i said to you last nite are true and yes.. we will have dinner with you family too..
right now.. i am just so scared baby.. so afraid of letting you go..
we are goin to walkt this thru together.. and to let things turn out well..
and God will guide us thru.. i so want to hug you and never let you go..
remember dear.. 1/2 of my heart is already yours.. no one else can take it away..
so that i am being so foolish.. crying right now.. but i just miss you..
this period that we are goin to go thru will be tough dear..

but i will push forward together with you and with God.. cuz i love you so much..
NEVER LEAVING YOU.. remember what i wrote on my wall..
and every night i will see that note you left me too.. before i sleep..
love you baby.. ALWAYS..

2006-02-02T21:00:00.000+08:00

hmm.. so thoughts came up when i was alone..
and tinking abt the important someone..
which is you dear.. and i remembered that..
i had this blog because of you.. in a way..
for you my lil star.. =]

and that.. it felt great being able to go out with you..
the time spend.. was priceless..
everything feels and seem so right.. and i really hope..
and wish from the bottom of my heart..
that things will stay like this.. being able to hold you..
give you a hug.. i feel so relax.. and al the troubles just goes away..

tears of joy rolls down my face.. cuz its like i have you dear..
forever.. and that i will never ever let you go..
i know sometimes i do stupid things..
its like telling you i miss your voice.. is cuz..
i just miss you so badly.. and yah.. just so want to talk to you..
know it sounds crazy.. but its so true..

dear.. i have fallen very deeply in love with you..
much more when we started being together..
i aint letting you go..

loving you always..
my dear..
always..

2006-02-01T23:06:00.000+08:00

this week has been a busy one.. with CNY visitation..
and it was great to able to hang out with you dear..
=]

right now.. i am busy with an assignment due on friday..
and i also got to handle things in the Open House..
busy busy.. and coping with it.. few more weeks..
and den i would say i can really relax..
like a mth more or so..
den i am off for my in house project..
which is like my final year project.. sadness..
20 weeks of project.. means i would be year 3..
time really flies.. den i would be off to NS!!
*shakes head*

just cant wait for the weekend to come..
and spend time with you dear.. =]
alrite alrite.. am off to my project..
waiting up for you..

2006-01-28T22:20:00.000+08:00

a song that my dear liked.. and here it goes..
for you dear..

Somewhere Over The Rainbow Way

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dreams that you dream of
once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dreams that you dream of,
dreams really do come true
Someday I'll wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops,
that's where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dreams that you dare to, oh why, oh why can't I?
Well I see trees of green and red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

Well I see skies of blue and clouds of white
and the brightness of day
I like the dark
and I think to myself, what a wonderful world
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands saying,
How do you do?
They're really saying, I - I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
they'll learn much more than we'll know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

Someday I'll wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops,
that's where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dreams that you dare to, oh why, oh why can't I?

dreams do really come true.. and i hope my dreams come true..
no matter how things turn out.. the sun will shine..
and that i pray you find joy in wadeva things you do..
love you dear.. always..

2006-01-26T14:18:00.000+08:00

the records goes as such..
i am down with flu.. cough.. headache and fever..
woohoo.. and i am now in sch.. haha,.
cant skip school as assignments and exams are near..

hmm..
currently things have been goin in ways that i should know how to handle it..
trying to give dear time to tink and dun add pressure to her..
i guess all the things i have said and things i have done.. i said and done it all?.
so that she knows.. this time i want to really change..
make things right and that she will be happy in the future with US being together..
though this period of time will be trememdously hard to pass..
i will have to pass thru it and for a better future with her?.
i hope thats how things eventually turns out..

if its otherwise.. a normal person would break down for sometime..
and which i will move to chase her back even though it maybe real tough..
but i wun be letting her go at all.. not letting go.. i will be waiting for you dear..
love you lots.. missing the time when your presence is near..
wanting to talk to you.. just hanging around you.. just please with that..

right now heads pretty heavy.. and nose is killing me.. but yah..
blame it on the sickness.. erm.. guess i dun have much to say..

dear.. am waiting for you..
love you lots.. hugs..

2006-01-21T23:18:00.000+08:00

the road ahead is long and it will be tough.. but i will push on..
to get you back.. many say.. you are young.. there are more out there..
but why would i want to do that when this someone is so important to me..

no matter what the outcome will be.. i will be there for her..
and i will do all i can to make things right and even if i have too..
chase her back right from the start.. at some point in life..
you will start to tink.. you found something that you want..
and you might lose it.. so will you go all out to get it..
whereas for me.. i would say YES!! cuz i dont want to lose her..

though i might not say or show it.. at times.. but i want her to know..
she is the best thing that happen to me.. knowing her since 2002/2003..
i got to see her and slowly.. fallin in love with her.. though things..
took a longer way to reach its end point.. it stop at 17/11/04..
when we started to be together.. right now.. we are goin thru some tough times..
but i want to let you know dear..

i will always be there.. and i want things to be right.. like how things started..
a last chance is all i need.. and never to make you feel tired..
mending things thru the hands that i have..
to make you feel happy and always seeing that smile on your face..
the times you rest on my shoulder or when i embrace you so tightly..
that time will never end.. i will always hold your hand and walk thru..
the problems that we will have to face.. there with you.. with God..

i know its goin to be tough.. but i never say i will give up..
never giving up hope on US.. not at all..
remember dear.. that i love you always..
and will always be there no matter what happens.. always..
loving you.. from the bottom of my heart..

2006-01-16T23:02:00.000+08:00

dear.. abt an hour's time.. we be using being together for 14mths..
and here.. i want to assure you that i love you lots..
as compared from when we started till now.. i know we faced some tough times..
and now i want to tell you.. i am loving you more..

baby i aint leaving you..

first of all i want to say.. i miss you lots.. and hope to see you soon..
i will always be there for you alrite.. when you need me.. i will be there..
i am waiting for you dear.. always..
no matter how tough things or matters get.. we will walk through the path..
we will walk through it all together.. and also with God..
darling.. i have been missing you alot.. cant wait to go out with you..
i have so many things i want to say to you..
lets write the new chapter of our life together dear..
i love you lots.. i really really do..

so here i am wishing you

happy 14th months baby..
I LOVE YOU DEAR!!

2006-01-14T09:24:00.000+08:00

dear.. i want to thank you for picking up my call yesterday and allowing me to meet you..
managed to pass the flowers to you and explaining things to you..
i am happy and glad that you are willing to forgive me..
and give us a chance.. i know things are goin to be tough..
as you are unable to have the same feeling as before.. but i promise..
will find that feeling back.. we do it together.. with God yah..

dont give up hope dear.. cuz i will never give up hope on this relationship..
i will treasure and cherish every moment that we have and make things right..
so dear.. if after awhile.. you still dont have that feeling yet.. dun be sad..
or dont know wad to do.. cuz God and I are here for you.. always..
and remember that i will always be there for you.. never goin to lose you..

will always be there for you..
your big tree is back by your side.. forever..
love you dear..

2006-01-10T10:20:00.000+08:00

for the past few days.. i could not sleep well..
waking up in the middle of the night..
tinking of you my dear.. cuz i miss you so much..

know that you are angry with me.. and i am sorry..
i hope that you see this..
and i promise i will change.. i really will..
hope its not too late?. even though you have given me so many chances already..
mayb you are just sick and tired of me.. and all this things..
all this that are happening..
but i really will change.. will spend time with you and all..
not matter how busy i am.. or just being there for you..

know that you wun answer my call or even my sms..
and i just pray to GOD that he looks over you..
when i aint by your side.. pray that you take lots of care..
and rest well.. cuz you are working and busy with so many things..
i will be in my assignment period again.. and exams..
but i will try to find time for you.. this is a promise..

sorry that i have been a nuisance.. crying to you..
finding you.. and yah.. even if you dun want to see me..
and want to be alone.. i will be here waiting for you..
cuz i want you and you only.. no one else..
sorry abt the past dear..

hope that on the 17th you will be free..
1 year and 2 months.. let our journey go on?.
i miss you alot dear.. i love you lots..
sorry that i am crying away..
being here for you..
love you crystal.. sorry..

yours..
him..

2006-01-08T21:25:00.000+08:00

time have became very tight for everyone now..
i have been busy.. you have been busy..
trying to find time is tough but i try..
and things dont turn how people wants..
such shit always happens.. so wad to do?.
just bare with it..

to find that presence of yours that i once could hold on too..
has now decreased.. and i understand now..
the time i was busy and could not find time for you..
the feeling and time that you went through..
the disappointment that you had..
all the things you had to bare..

life is just unfair.. aint it..
pulling it all together..
things will turn out well..

things will..
turn out..
well..

2006-01-05T23:19:00.000+08:00

there isnt any better time to say this all out.. hmm..
at times.. when you needed me.. i wasnt there.. and now..
i got this feeling.. when i need you.. it feels like you are not there..
i just want to get hold of you.. and not let go..
somehow.. i am treasuring you more than usual..

these are words that i dare not say it out to you..
but its better for you to see it?. there is something i want to tell you..
i aint letting go no matter what.. and for you..
back to the past i will go.. for you..

things that have been done.. things that hurt..
will now all go away.. as a new chapter will begin..
so walk this new chapter with me.. again?.

2006-01-02T13:59:00.000+08:00

sitting by the window side.. from the view that you see..
the afternoon sky turns into a dark cloudy view..
such moment feels like your life.. it was all bright..
but now.. it seems so dark and you aint able to find your way around..

thoughts go through your mind.. things just floods through..
what if this happens.. what if that happens..
your heart feels heavy.. your breath feels heavy/deep..
you try to think straight but you just cant..

a home dont feel like home.. you have lost your sense of belonging..
you grow up to fight the world.. you fight for the rights of your own world..
the rights of your belief.. would people around you care about how you feel?.
no they dont.. they dont at all.. you are just a figure..
just like everyone.. who come and go so frequently..

who are you.. or who you really are..
have i lost it all..
or just losing it..